Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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