Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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