the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
