Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Randomize
