I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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