I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
