She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
