GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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