So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
