Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Welp...herpes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
