i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
