Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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