Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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