I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
