you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
