okay pat passed out under dana's car
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
