i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
