I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
