My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
