Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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