I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Randomize
