20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
