I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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