I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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