So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
