The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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