Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize