I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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