I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
