he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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