my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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