I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
