I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
