she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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