i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
As shirtless as possible
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
