My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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