Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
