After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
