ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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