dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
