I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
