Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
