oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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