i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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