Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
