meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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