please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize