Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
