I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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