when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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