my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
