I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
