I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
