I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He passed out mid-signature
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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