I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
