My sheets look like a crime scene.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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