PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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