I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
