oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
