So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
