Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
