I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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