shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
