Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Your penis caused this!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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