I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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