Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
