He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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