You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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