The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
